Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
