If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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