I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
