My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
be right there i have to get my cape
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
