I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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