Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
