I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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