trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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