whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
