I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
