1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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