i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
