I could make wine with my vomit
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
