Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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