My liver just broke up with me...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
