Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
