My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
