is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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