I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
