oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
