i was rollin on her like bob the builder
someone owes me an orgasm
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
