She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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