they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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