The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
