It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
