Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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