She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
