So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
