I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
