Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
