totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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