I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
