wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
