when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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