I cannot find my penis.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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