So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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