She's like a pop up book from hell.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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