He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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