i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
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I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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