Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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