Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
