when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
