Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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