fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
