hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
