The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
