I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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