I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I feel like abortions should bother me more
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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