All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
