I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
