Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
