My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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