My hand turned me down
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i came on her dog
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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