The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
