I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
