He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
