omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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