peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
