I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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