So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
