Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
