my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Moan for me like Helen Keller
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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