dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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