im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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