I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
