broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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